Lucky_Ladybug (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladybug_archive) wrote2007-03-09 08:10 am
ladybug_archive) wrote2007-03-09 08:10 am
Entry tags:
Blurb!
Here is the blurb I mused on yesterday, concerning what happened after Sephiroth and Cloud left in the RP with Aubrie. ^^ I've spent a long time on it, and I'm really proud of it. I think it's about my most favorite thing I've written recently.
The glass door to the office was pushed open slowly as Sephiroth wearily trudged inside. He flipped on the lights, not bothering to see if Cloud was following him. Cloud had decided, foolishly, to stay with him, and so undoubtedly he would be there. Right now, Sephiroth did not care one way or the other. He felt completely burned out.
Slowly he reached around to his back, undoing the straps holding the shoulder armor in place. Usually it did not bother him, but tonight it seemed that it was weighing him down all the more. He dropped it to the floor, behind the couch, and heard it land with a dull clunk. He shrugged off the dark coat as well, draping it over the back of the furniture, before tiredly sinking down into the soft cushions and bringing an arm over his eyes.
Jenova had done it again. She had made him so ill from battling her before, that he had been in a coma for the last several days. And then he had died. It was all part of her scheme to gain physical form again and begin her instinctual takeover of the planet. She had possessed his corpse and wrecked havoc through the infirmary, throwing objects at the weaponless Cloud and impaling that woman with the Masamune. Sephiroth had been outraged and frustrated, and had fought a long time for control of his body. He had always been stronger than Jenova, and he had proved it again by forcing her out.
He hated that she had controlled him once more. In the past, he had been confused and had simply gone insane, but now he knew how to recognize her presence. He despised her, loathed her, with all of his heart and soul. But what he hated most of all was the monster he had become after losing his mind. He could never change or make up for the evil he had done. He had eventually begun to use Jenova's power against her, but by then his own purposes had become as twisted, or moreso, than hers. In such a case, gaining the advantage over her was hardly something of which to be proud.
"I thought you were my friend."
He moved his arm away from his eyes, looking over at the blond. Cloud had shut the door and was leaning against it as he muttered. Judging from his expression, he was not consciously aware that he had spoken aloud. He was glaring at the floor, his arms crossed, and appeared downright frustrated. It was unclear whether he was more upset with Sephiroth or himself, but knowing Cloud, it was probably both.
". . . That could be said both ways."
Sephiroth certainly did not expect Cloud to forgive him for the past. What he had done was unforgivable. But that did not mean that during the time when both had been oblivious to their status as enemies, he had not thought highly of and been close to Cloud. In retrospect, he supposed that they had carried out a relationship similar to what he and Zack had so many years before, in what seemed another lifetime. It had been hard for Sephiroth when he had finally remembered everything, and sometimes he felt that Cloud never stopped to think about that aspect.
Did Cloud still believe that Sephiroth had always had his memories, and had been leading him on all that time? What about the dreams Sephiroth had started having, the ones that had led to him recollecting the past? Did Cloud think his former boss's distress had been faked, as well? If the silver-haired man had truly kept his remembrances intact, then what reason would he have had to pretend at having those disturbing dreams? There was none.
Now the blond froze, realizing that he had been heard. He frowned deeply, looking up at his nemesis. Sephiroth merely looked back. He had said all that he had to say. Cloud could do with it what he wanted.
As it was, Cloud gave him a smouldering look before crossing the room to his desk.
Sephiroth did not care much. He sighed, covering his eyes again.
****
He abhorred indecision.
And, of course, that was the problem he was having right now. He was extremely, helplessly undecided on too many matters, most of which involved Sephiroth. He felt betrayed again, and he did not know whether he could trust the other. They had been at each other's throats a few moments earlier, and yet, had that been Sephiroth or Jenova? He had behaved like the man who had become Cloud's worst enemy, but then he had seemed almost to come back to himself, horrified at his behavior.
The spiky-haired young man slumped back in the chair, rubbing his forehead. He had almost ended Sephiroth's life then. He had come into possession of the Masamune after the victim of the impaling had pulled it out of her shoulder. He could have so easily driven it into Sephiroth's heart, but something had stopped him. What? Had he just not wanted to kill out of hate? That was part of it, he imagined. Sephiroth had gained control of his body and was not a threat, though he could have so easily lost it again. Cloud could have fatally impaled him, with the excuse that he had to do it, it was the only way to protect everyone. But he would have known differently.
He had mostly stayed away from the infirmary during the time when Sephiroth had been unconscious. He had tried to avoid anything directly involving his old enemy, but that had been impossible. He had spent a great deal of his time there at the company, using its resources to look for Tifa and the kids, and as always, he had felt haunted by Sephiroth's presence in the office. He was never able to get away from the other.
He was still not sure what had eventually brought him back the previous night. He had stayed in the hospital room for a few moments, blankly watching the older man's motionless body and wondering what he was supposed to be feeling. Then, in exasperation, he had stormed out into the corridor, walking right into Vincent.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," the red-eyed man remarked in a flat tone, stepping back slightly.
Cloud shrugged. "Yeah. . . . That makes two of us," he muttered. "I don't even know what I'm doing here." He walked past Vincent, slumping into a chair that had been placing against the hallway wall. He ran a hand through his wild locks, staring up at the ceiling.
To his side, he heard the other coming to sit in the second chair. Vincent was silent, allowing the blond time with his thoughts. He could sense that the other wanted to talk with someone who might understand what he was going through, but that at the same time, he was not sure how to express what he was feeling. But Vincent could wait.
"Should I feel worried about him?"
Cloud continued to gaze up at the ceiling as he talked, as if it could give him the answer he was seeking. It was not any more absurd than thinking that Vincent could do so, he supposed. He sighed, his shoulders slumping. Vincent was still quiet, waiting for Cloud to finish.
"He fought against Jenova, not with her . . . and he didn't try to get her power for himself. He acted like he really wanted to bring her down." He narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't expecting him to end up like he did. When he passed out in the limo, I thought that was weird. I knew he'd been hurt, but I never thought it was serious, until I just couldn't wake him up. It was just . . . wrong, I guess . . . to see him so helpless."
"Is that why you haven't come here since then?"
Cloud shrugged. He honestly did not know. "Could be. But I just . . ." He clenched a fist, looking over at his friend. "Part of me wants to be concerned. I remember being there with him, at the company. . . . I thought he was a good person. I looked up to him, I trusted him. . . . I would have trusted him with my life." He hesitated, searching for the right words. "Getting my memories back was like Nibelheim all over again. He hurt me, he proved he wasn't who I thought he was."
Vincent could see the helplessness flickering in the younger man's eyes as he continued. "I figured out that he'd sent us here, to this world, and I thought . . . I just thought that he must've been tricking me this entire time. So I fought him. He never said it wasn't true." And he had not said that it was, either, Cloud added silently.
"He saved me when I fell over the edge of the building. . . . I couldn't have gotten back up by myself." He was certain that his tortured feelings were coming out in his voice and clearly showing on his face. "Vincent . . . if he was never sincere, if he was just using me, why would he do that?"
The raven-haired man shook his head. "I don't think he would." He paused. "Cloud, he isn't the Sephiroth we knew before. You've already figured that out. You're just afraid to fully believe it, in case he ends up turning against you." He paused, mulling over how best to say what he wanted. "No one expects you to be friends with him. He probably expects it least of all. But honestly caring whether he lives or dies wouldn't have to have anything to do with that."
"I guess not." Cloud knew that Vincent was right. But that did not make it any easier for him to sort through his conflicted feelings. After Nibelheim, he had thought that he would never again be worried about Sephiroth. But right now, he supposed that he was. And at the same time, he still hated the other, too. Part of him wondered if he wanted Sephiroth to die. No one would miss him. And they would be better off without him around. Even if he himself was no longer a threat, Jenova apparently wanted to use his body.
Without warning, a voice on the loudspeaker interrupted his train of thought, announcing of a code blue in one of the rooms. Cloud narrowed his eyes. Someone's heart had stopped. The room number was repeated, and the blond found himself leaping to his feet. Sephiroth? Sephiroth was dying? That was too strange, too eerie, to suddenly be happening right now.
He quickly crossed the hall and went around the corner. He found himself back at the other's room, pushing the door open. The doctors had gathered around the bed, and one was using the defibrilators on the lifeless body. Sephiroth jerked, but in a moment it became clear that it was only from the force of the electricity and not from returning to life. His pale form fell back into the soft pillow and the mattress.
Cloud swallowed hard, shutting the door again as he turned away. He could sense that Vincent had followed him, though he did not look up to see. Now he felt as though he was in even more of a muddle than before. Dead. . . . Even if he had perhaps wanted his enemy to die, he had not thought it would actually happen. And now that it had, he wondered what he really had wanted. He felt confused, overwhelmed, bewildered, and upset. He did not feel relief, or satisfaction, or even closure.
"Well, that's that," he mumbled, walking past Vincent. "He's dead. How am I supposed to feel about it?"
Vincent did not, or could not, give him an answer.
Cloud sighed, coming back to the present. So much had happened since then, and it was only a few hours later. He never would have imagined that he would agree to go with Sephiroth, and not only that, to approach the subject himself. Sephiroth would have gone off on his own otherwise. He had not seemed to want company, and especially not that of Cloud's. But they were stuck with each other.
He glanced over at the silver-haired man. Sephiroth was silent now, his eyes still covered, his chest slowly rising and falling. It was impossible to tell whether he was merely thinking, or if he was asleep. . . . Or if Jenova had suddenly possessed him. He did not stir, and as he lay there, his other hand slowly slipped off of his chest to hang near the floor. He almost looked dead, and if Cloud had not been able to see the signs of life, he might have been inclined to believe that Sephiroth's body had given out and that his nemesis had passed away.
"You'd have to kill me."
Cloud started. He had not been expecting Sephiroth to speak at all, and this was certainly something strange for him to say without warning. He peered over at the older man, questiongly. "What?!"
"You heard me." Sephiroth had not altered his position at all, and spoke in a weary yet completely firm and serious tone. "If she takes over my body, and I can't stop it, then that's the only solution. And you'd have to be quick about it."
Cloud continued to stare at him, unable to fully grasp what he was being told. "You want me to kill you?!" he burst out in disbelief. Sephiroth was the sort who tended to have quite a bit of pride over his abilites and always wanted to win. Cloud had often suspected that the results of their first battle, at Nibelheim, had left the other furious. To be bested by a teenage boy, and one who had not even made it to SOLDIER, must have been an extreme blow to his ego.
Of course, lately Sephiroth had acted more worn out than anything else. During their battle on the roof, Cloud had gotten the impression several times that the other had not wanted to fight. He had ignored the feelings at the time, but remembering them now, he was almost certain that he was correct.
"If she's always able to use me that easily, then I shouldn't be alive. It's pathetic and weak." Sephiroth paused. "The only reason she was able to possess me when I died before, was because of the doctors trying to revive me. She was counting on it. If you end my life in a way that makes it impossible for me to be saved, then she has no power." Slowly he sat up, finally removing his arm from his eyes. Cloud could see that he meant every word of what he was saying.
"If she takes control, then use your sword on me," he directed. "Plunge it into my heart." They both knew that if Cloud managed to accomplish that feat, he would be killed almost instantly due to the nature of the heavy, thick blade. There would not be much chance of the blond aiming incorrectly.
Cloud glowered. "Don't tempt me," he muttered. "Look, if you do flip out again, you know I won't hesitate to finish you off."
"You did earlier. You could have impaled me with my own sword." Which would have been even more of a dishonor and a disgrace, he thought, but fitting for the animal he was still struggling to tame.
Now Cloud slammed his palm onto the desk, banging it fiercely. "What is it with you?" he snapped, focusing his flashing blue-green eyes on his nemesis. "Do you want to die?!"
Sephiroth looked back with green eyes of steel. No, he did not want that. Even after everything he had been through and found out about himself, he wanted to live. He already knew that he would continue to exist after his physical body's demise, but he would be able to accomplish very little, if anything, in that state. He knew that he could never entirely atone for the wicked acts he had committed, but at least if he was alive, he could do whatever possible to start over, to live his life in a better way.
On the other hand, however, if Jenova insisted to pursue her attempts to possess and control his body, and he could not overpower and defeat her, then he doubted that he would be able to serve any worthwhile purpose by being alive. But he wanted to overpower her. He did not want her to ever have the satisfaction again of taking his body and driving him mad. If it was at all possible, he would not let it happen. Yet he knew that he had failed earlier that day, and could have taken many lives. He wanted to have the assurance that Cloud would not let that happen, that he would not foolishly try to preserve the other's life when it would be wisest to see him dead.
Finally the younger man looked away. He had seen so many emotions and feelings conveyed in the other's stare. He had seen so much that it was almost to the point of overwhelming him. And though he did not understand all of what was there, he thought that he recognized enough to know what Sephiroth's basic feelings were on the matter.
"You're afraid," he said at last, stunned by the revelation. "You're afraid of what you'll do if she takes over your body again." It was strange to think about. He had honestly never thought that Sephiroth would fear anything. Or had it been fear that had been his first step on the path to madness? Zack had said many times how much Sephiroth abhorred the idea that he was not human, that he was a monster created from an evil experiment. And that was when he had locked himself in the Shinra Manor's library for three days, poring over the records, desperate to find confirmation that he was human after all.
"Cloud, Jenova preyed on him right then, in his weakest moment," his friend had told him just recently. "He was all alone in there, with no one or nothing to listen to but his own fears and her voice. He was already unstable, and she drove him out of his mind completely. The man whom I found in that library was not the Sephiroth whom we both looked up to. He wasn't the man who was my other best friend. He was a stranger whom Jenova had manipulated and twisted to her will. He really did become a monster then." And Cloud had seen the sorrow and regret in Zack's eyes. Zack still wondered if things would have been different if he had been able to get to Sephiroth sooner.
The blond frowned, looking up and over at the other. Now Sephiroth was looking away, several of his long locks having slipped over his shoulder to hang in front of his bare chest. Where they had been, Cloud could now see the mark on the back of Sephiroth's right shoulder that he knew concealed the one black wing.
Cloud sighed, slumping back in the chair again. He needed to say something else, but he was unsure of what it should be.
"Sephiroth . . ."
The silver-haired man looked back, questions in his eyes.
Cloud ran his tongue over his lips. "When Zack and I both looked up to you, it wasn't just because you were some great, tough fighter. Yeah, we thought that was cool and everything . . . but what we liked the most was that you were a good person. You were the kind of guy who honestly cared about the people you were working with. You never pushed them beyond what you knew they were capable of, and when anyone was sick, you took the time to make sure they got the help they needed. You'd check in to see how they were doing, too."
"What's your point?" From Sephiroth's tone, he sounded as though he was expecting Cloud to say again how much he and Zack had been betrayed at Nibelheim.
Cloud was not sure himself where he was going with this. He mulled over his thoughts, trying to get them in order.
"You were like that again, recently," he said at last. "I wanted to believe it wasn't an act. Maybe that was what you were trying to tell me when we fought on the roof." Again the scene from earlier came to his mind, when he had pinned Sephiroth to the floor and poised the Masamune above his heart. This time he remembered something else, something he had either not consciously thought about before or had simply not wanted to think about because it had only puzzled him even more. But now, it seemed like the right time.
"When I was going to kill you today . . . I saw something I wasn't expecting. You looked alarmed and sickened, but your attention wasn't on the blade at all. You were staring around at the hallway, and at the Tashanazi woman, as if you couldn't believe what you'd done." He looked away again. "I don't know. . . . I was shocked to see that from you. And . . ." He shook his head. "I just didn't feel like killing you anymore."
Sephiroth was still silent. What did he think of that? Was he even still there? Slowly Cloud looked back. The other was staring at him now, stunned by his words.
Now that he had said this much, the blond knew what he wanted to say in conclusion. He sighed, leaning forward on the desk.
"Zack told me that, even when you were insane, you eventually got control over Jenova," he commented. "If that's true, if you had that much mental strength even then, then you should have it all the more now. You should be able to fight against her and win." He still could not believe what he was saying. Even twenty-four hours ago, twelve hours ago, he could not have imagined that he would ever be trying to offer encouragement to Sephiroth.
His nemesis was just as confused, or moreso. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked finally.
Cloud shrugged helplessly. "Who knows," he grumbled. "It . . . needed to be said, I guess. You shouldn't just give up."
"I'm not going to."
"But you want me to say I'll kill you."
"As a last resort." Sephiroth studied him, his eyes narrowed. "It would be better for me to perish than for me to start inflicting harm on more innocent people." He clenched a fist. He would not see that happen again. He would not!
Cloud glowered at him. "Then don't let it," he snapped. "Just make sure you're stronger than Jenova."
"Of course I'll be fighting against her. But just swear to me that you'll . . ."
"I'm not going to!" Cloud rose from the desk. "If you want to die so much, then kill yourself." He crossed the room to the window, glaring out at the lights of the city and the dark green sky. Now he only had more to be confused about. Why did it bother him so much that Sephiroth wanted him to promise death, if Jenova's hold became a vise? He hated Sephiroth. It should be easy to make that oath.
He gripped his arms tightly.
"Either you honestly don't have any desire left to eliminate me, or else you're afraid of what you'd be feeling as you delivered the final strike. Instead of felling me to save others, maybe you're concerned that it would be out of hatred."
Cloud considered it. He could not seem to make sense of his tormented feelings, but maybe Sephiroth had hit on the answer. He was afraid of killing out of hate. He was afraid of becoming as Sephiroth had, when the other had lost his mind. And yet, this had not been a worry of his in the past. Why now? Was it because of everything that had happened since they had arrived on this world? Or was it because earlier that day, he had gotten a taste of what killing out of sheer abhorrence would feel like? It had scared him.
"Maybe I am."
Sephiroth sighed quietly from the couch. "Then I won't ask it of you."
Cloud whirled around to face him, the shock clearly written across his features. "Sephiroth . . ."
He found himself staring at a sobered, weary man, whose eyes displayed the fatigue of one three times his age. There was no trace of his old enemy here. Sephiroth fully knew that he had committed countless heinous crimes, and he regretted it deeply. He did not try to excuse himself by saying that he had not been of sound mind. To him, that did not matter---he was still guilty. He wanted Cloud to promise to kill him because he feared that history would repeat itself. But he would not force Cloud to make that oath, if Cloud was afraid that doing so would end up causing him to commit an atrocious act as well.
Slowly the older man started to get up. One way or another, he would not let Jenova win, he silently vowed, shuffling toward the bathroom. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him.
Cloud slumped back. This man was far more bewildering than any other Sephiroth he had known. But he still had the ability to make Cloud feel completely at a loss, and to wonder if he really knew himself at all.
The glass door to the office was pushed open slowly as Sephiroth wearily trudged inside. He flipped on the lights, not bothering to see if Cloud was following him. Cloud had decided, foolishly, to stay with him, and so undoubtedly he would be there. Right now, Sephiroth did not care one way or the other. He felt completely burned out.
Slowly he reached around to his back, undoing the straps holding the shoulder armor in place. Usually it did not bother him, but tonight it seemed that it was weighing him down all the more. He dropped it to the floor, behind the couch, and heard it land with a dull clunk. He shrugged off the dark coat as well, draping it over the back of the furniture, before tiredly sinking down into the soft cushions and bringing an arm over his eyes.
Jenova had done it again. She had made him so ill from battling her before, that he had been in a coma for the last several days. And then he had died. It was all part of her scheme to gain physical form again and begin her instinctual takeover of the planet. She had possessed his corpse and wrecked havoc through the infirmary, throwing objects at the weaponless Cloud and impaling that woman with the Masamune. Sephiroth had been outraged and frustrated, and had fought a long time for control of his body. He had always been stronger than Jenova, and he had proved it again by forcing her out.
He hated that she had controlled him once more. In the past, he had been confused and had simply gone insane, but now he knew how to recognize her presence. He despised her, loathed her, with all of his heart and soul. But what he hated most of all was the monster he had become after losing his mind. He could never change or make up for the evil he had done. He had eventually begun to use Jenova's power against her, but by then his own purposes had become as twisted, or moreso, than hers. In such a case, gaining the advantage over her was hardly something of which to be proud.
"I thought you were my friend."
He moved his arm away from his eyes, looking over at the blond. Cloud had shut the door and was leaning against it as he muttered. Judging from his expression, he was not consciously aware that he had spoken aloud. He was glaring at the floor, his arms crossed, and appeared downright frustrated. It was unclear whether he was more upset with Sephiroth or himself, but knowing Cloud, it was probably both.
". . . That could be said both ways."
Sephiroth certainly did not expect Cloud to forgive him for the past. What he had done was unforgivable. But that did not mean that during the time when both had been oblivious to their status as enemies, he had not thought highly of and been close to Cloud. In retrospect, he supposed that they had carried out a relationship similar to what he and Zack had so many years before, in what seemed another lifetime. It had been hard for Sephiroth when he had finally remembered everything, and sometimes he felt that Cloud never stopped to think about that aspect.
Did Cloud still believe that Sephiroth had always had his memories, and had been leading him on all that time? What about the dreams Sephiroth had started having, the ones that had led to him recollecting the past? Did Cloud think his former boss's distress had been faked, as well? If the silver-haired man had truly kept his remembrances intact, then what reason would he have had to pretend at having those disturbing dreams? There was none.
Now the blond froze, realizing that he had been heard. He frowned deeply, looking up at his nemesis. Sephiroth merely looked back. He had said all that he had to say. Cloud could do with it what he wanted.
As it was, Cloud gave him a smouldering look before crossing the room to his desk.
Sephiroth did not care much. He sighed, covering his eyes again.
****
He abhorred indecision.
And, of course, that was the problem he was having right now. He was extremely, helplessly undecided on too many matters, most of which involved Sephiroth. He felt betrayed again, and he did not know whether he could trust the other. They had been at each other's throats a few moments earlier, and yet, had that been Sephiroth or Jenova? He had behaved like the man who had become Cloud's worst enemy, but then he had seemed almost to come back to himself, horrified at his behavior.
The spiky-haired young man slumped back in the chair, rubbing his forehead. He had almost ended Sephiroth's life then. He had come into possession of the Masamune after the victim of the impaling had pulled it out of her shoulder. He could have so easily driven it into Sephiroth's heart, but something had stopped him. What? Had he just not wanted to kill out of hate? That was part of it, he imagined. Sephiroth had gained control of his body and was not a threat, though he could have so easily lost it again. Cloud could have fatally impaled him, with the excuse that he had to do it, it was the only way to protect everyone. But he would have known differently.
He had mostly stayed away from the infirmary during the time when Sephiroth had been unconscious. He had tried to avoid anything directly involving his old enemy, but that had been impossible. He had spent a great deal of his time there at the company, using its resources to look for Tifa and the kids, and as always, he had felt haunted by Sephiroth's presence in the office. He was never able to get away from the other.
He was still not sure what had eventually brought him back the previous night. He had stayed in the hospital room for a few moments, blankly watching the older man's motionless body and wondering what he was supposed to be feeling. Then, in exasperation, he had stormed out into the corridor, walking right into Vincent.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," the red-eyed man remarked in a flat tone, stepping back slightly.
Cloud shrugged. "Yeah. . . . That makes two of us," he muttered. "I don't even know what I'm doing here." He walked past Vincent, slumping into a chair that had been placing against the hallway wall. He ran a hand through his wild locks, staring up at the ceiling.
To his side, he heard the other coming to sit in the second chair. Vincent was silent, allowing the blond time with his thoughts. He could sense that the other wanted to talk with someone who might understand what he was going through, but that at the same time, he was not sure how to express what he was feeling. But Vincent could wait.
"Should I feel worried about him?"
Cloud continued to gaze up at the ceiling as he talked, as if it could give him the answer he was seeking. It was not any more absurd than thinking that Vincent could do so, he supposed. He sighed, his shoulders slumping. Vincent was still quiet, waiting for Cloud to finish.
"He fought against Jenova, not with her . . . and he didn't try to get her power for himself. He acted like he really wanted to bring her down." He narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't expecting him to end up like he did. When he passed out in the limo, I thought that was weird. I knew he'd been hurt, but I never thought it was serious, until I just couldn't wake him up. It was just . . . wrong, I guess . . . to see him so helpless."
"Is that why you haven't come here since then?"
Cloud shrugged. He honestly did not know. "Could be. But I just . . ." He clenched a fist, looking over at his friend. "Part of me wants to be concerned. I remember being there with him, at the company. . . . I thought he was a good person. I looked up to him, I trusted him. . . . I would have trusted him with my life." He hesitated, searching for the right words. "Getting my memories back was like Nibelheim all over again. He hurt me, he proved he wasn't who I thought he was."
Vincent could see the helplessness flickering in the younger man's eyes as he continued. "I figured out that he'd sent us here, to this world, and I thought . . . I just thought that he must've been tricking me this entire time. So I fought him. He never said it wasn't true." And he had not said that it was, either, Cloud added silently.
"He saved me when I fell over the edge of the building. . . . I couldn't have gotten back up by myself." He was certain that his tortured feelings were coming out in his voice and clearly showing on his face. "Vincent . . . if he was never sincere, if he was just using me, why would he do that?"
The raven-haired man shook his head. "I don't think he would." He paused. "Cloud, he isn't the Sephiroth we knew before. You've already figured that out. You're just afraid to fully believe it, in case he ends up turning against you." He paused, mulling over how best to say what he wanted. "No one expects you to be friends with him. He probably expects it least of all. But honestly caring whether he lives or dies wouldn't have to have anything to do with that."
"I guess not." Cloud knew that Vincent was right. But that did not make it any easier for him to sort through his conflicted feelings. After Nibelheim, he had thought that he would never again be worried about Sephiroth. But right now, he supposed that he was. And at the same time, he still hated the other, too. Part of him wondered if he wanted Sephiroth to die. No one would miss him. And they would be better off without him around. Even if he himself was no longer a threat, Jenova apparently wanted to use his body.
Without warning, a voice on the loudspeaker interrupted his train of thought, announcing of a code blue in one of the rooms. Cloud narrowed his eyes. Someone's heart had stopped. The room number was repeated, and the blond found himself leaping to his feet. Sephiroth? Sephiroth was dying? That was too strange, too eerie, to suddenly be happening right now.
He quickly crossed the hall and went around the corner. He found himself back at the other's room, pushing the door open. The doctors had gathered around the bed, and one was using the defibrilators on the lifeless body. Sephiroth jerked, but in a moment it became clear that it was only from the force of the electricity and not from returning to life. His pale form fell back into the soft pillow and the mattress.
Cloud swallowed hard, shutting the door again as he turned away. He could sense that Vincent had followed him, though he did not look up to see. Now he felt as though he was in even more of a muddle than before. Dead. . . . Even if he had perhaps wanted his enemy to die, he had not thought it would actually happen. And now that it had, he wondered what he really had wanted. He felt confused, overwhelmed, bewildered, and upset. He did not feel relief, or satisfaction, or even closure.
"Well, that's that," he mumbled, walking past Vincent. "He's dead. How am I supposed to feel about it?"
Vincent did not, or could not, give him an answer.
Cloud sighed, coming back to the present. So much had happened since then, and it was only a few hours later. He never would have imagined that he would agree to go with Sephiroth, and not only that, to approach the subject himself. Sephiroth would have gone off on his own otherwise. He had not seemed to want company, and especially not that of Cloud's. But they were stuck with each other.
He glanced over at the silver-haired man. Sephiroth was silent now, his eyes still covered, his chest slowly rising and falling. It was impossible to tell whether he was merely thinking, or if he was asleep. . . . Or if Jenova had suddenly possessed him. He did not stir, and as he lay there, his other hand slowly slipped off of his chest to hang near the floor. He almost looked dead, and if Cloud had not been able to see the signs of life, he might have been inclined to believe that Sephiroth's body had given out and that his nemesis had passed away.
"You'd have to kill me."
Cloud started. He had not been expecting Sephiroth to speak at all, and this was certainly something strange for him to say without warning. He peered over at the older man, questiongly. "What?!"
"You heard me." Sephiroth had not altered his position at all, and spoke in a weary yet completely firm and serious tone. "If she takes over my body, and I can't stop it, then that's the only solution. And you'd have to be quick about it."
Cloud continued to stare at him, unable to fully grasp what he was being told. "You want me to kill you?!" he burst out in disbelief. Sephiroth was the sort who tended to have quite a bit of pride over his abilites and always wanted to win. Cloud had often suspected that the results of their first battle, at Nibelheim, had left the other furious. To be bested by a teenage boy, and one who had not even made it to SOLDIER, must have been an extreme blow to his ego.
Of course, lately Sephiroth had acted more worn out than anything else. During their battle on the roof, Cloud had gotten the impression several times that the other had not wanted to fight. He had ignored the feelings at the time, but remembering them now, he was almost certain that he was correct.
"If she's always able to use me that easily, then I shouldn't be alive. It's pathetic and weak." Sephiroth paused. "The only reason she was able to possess me when I died before, was because of the doctors trying to revive me. She was counting on it. If you end my life in a way that makes it impossible for me to be saved, then she has no power." Slowly he sat up, finally removing his arm from his eyes. Cloud could see that he meant every word of what he was saying.
"If she takes control, then use your sword on me," he directed. "Plunge it into my heart." They both knew that if Cloud managed to accomplish that feat, he would be killed almost instantly due to the nature of the heavy, thick blade. There would not be much chance of the blond aiming incorrectly.
Cloud glowered. "Don't tempt me," he muttered. "Look, if you do flip out again, you know I won't hesitate to finish you off."
"You did earlier. You could have impaled me with my own sword." Which would have been even more of a dishonor and a disgrace, he thought, but fitting for the animal he was still struggling to tame.
Now Cloud slammed his palm onto the desk, banging it fiercely. "What is it with you?" he snapped, focusing his flashing blue-green eyes on his nemesis. "Do you want to die?!"
Sephiroth looked back with green eyes of steel. No, he did not want that. Even after everything he had been through and found out about himself, he wanted to live. He already knew that he would continue to exist after his physical body's demise, but he would be able to accomplish very little, if anything, in that state. He knew that he could never entirely atone for the wicked acts he had committed, but at least if he was alive, he could do whatever possible to start over, to live his life in a better way.
On the other hand, however, if Jenova insisted to pursue her attempts to possess and control his body, and he could not overpower and defeat her, then he doubted that he would be able to serve any worthwhile purpose by being alive. But he wanted to overpower her. He did not want her to ever have the satisfaction again of taking his body and driving him mad. If it was at all possible, he would not let it happen. Yet he knew that he had failed earlier that day, and could have taken many lives. He wanted to have the assurance that Cloud would not let that happen, that he would not foolishly try to preserve the other's life when it would be wisest to see him dead.
Finally the younger man looked away. He had seen so many emotions and feelings conveyed in the other's stare. He had seen so much that it was almost to the point of overwhelming him. And though he did not understand all of what was there, he thought that he recognized enough to know what Sephiroth's basic feelings were on the matter.
"You're afraid," he said at last, stunned by the revelation. "You're afraid of what you'll do if she takes over your body again." It was strange to think about. He had honestly never thought that Sephiroth would fear anything. Or had it been fear that had been his first step on the path to madness? Zack had said many times how much Sephiroth abhorred the idea that he was not human, that he was a monster created from an evil experiment. And that was when he had locked himself in the Shinra Manor's library for three days, poring over the records, desperate to find confirmation that he was human after all.
"Cloud, Jenova preyed on him right then, in his weakest moment," his friend had told him just recently. "He was all alone in there, with no one or nothing to listen to but his own fears and her voice. He was already unstable, and she drove him out of his mind completely. The man whom I found in that library was not the Sephiroth whom we both looked up to. He wasn't the man who was my other best friend. He was a stranger whom Jenova had manipulated and twisted to her will. He really did become a monster then." And Cloud had seen the sorrow and regret in Zack's eyes. Zack still wondered if things would have been different if he had been able to get to Sephiroth sooner.
The blond frowned, looking up and over at the other. Now Sephiroth was looking away, several of his long locks having slipped over his shoulder to hang in front of his bare chest. Where they had been, Cloud could now see the mark on the back of Sephiroth's right shoulder that he knew concealed the one black wing.
Cloud sighed, slumping back in the chair again. He needed to say something else, but he was unsure of what it should be.
"Sephiroth . . ."
The silver-haired man looked back, questions in his eyes.
Cloud ran his tongue over his lips. "When Zack and I both looked up to you, it wasn't just because you were some great, tough fighter. Yeah, we thought that was cool and everything . . . but what we liked the most was that you were a good person. You were the kind of guy who honestly cared about the people you were working with. You never pushed them beyond what you knew they were capable of, and when anyone was sick, you took the time to make sure they got the help they needed. You'd check in to see how they were doing, too."
"What's your point?" From Sephiroth's tone, he sounded as though he was expecting Cloud to say again how much he and Zack had been betrayed at Nibelheim.
Cloud was not sure himself where he was going with this. He mulled over his thoughts, trying to get them in order.
"You were like that again, recently," he said at last. "I wanted to believe it wasn't an act. Maybe that was what you were trying to tell me when we fought on the roof." Again the scene from earlier came to his mind, when he had pinned Sephiroth to the floor and poised the Masamune above his heart. This time he remembered something else, something he had either not consciously thought about before or had simply not wanted to think about because it had only puzzled him even more. But now, it seemed like the right time.
"When I was going to kill you today . . . I saw something I wasn't expecting. You looked alarmed and sickened, but your attention wasn't on the blade at all. You were staring around at the hallway, and at the Tashanazi woman, as if you couldn't believe what you'd done." He looked away again. "I don't know. . . . I was shocked to see that from you. And . . ." He shook his head. "I just didn't feel like killing you anymore."
Sephiroth was still silent. What did he think of that? Was he even still there? Slowly Cloud looked back. The other was staring at him now, stunned by his words.
Now that he had said this much, the blond knew what he wanted to say in conclusion. He sighed, leaning forward on the desk.
"Zack told me that, even when you were insane, you eventually got control over Jenova," he commented. "If that's true, if you had that much mental strength even then, then you should have it all the more now. You should be able to fight against her and win." He still could not believe what he was saying. Even twenty-four hours ago, twelve hours ago, he could not have imagined that he would ever be trying to offer encouragement to Sephiroth.
His nemesis was just as confused, or moreso. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked finally.
Cloud shrugged helplessly. "Who knows," he grumbled. "It . . . needed to be said, I guess. You shouldn't just give up."
"I'm not going to."
"But you want me to say I'll kill you."
"As a last resort." Sephiroth studied him, his eyes narrowed. "It would be better for me to perish than for me to start inflicting harm on more innocent people." He clenched a fist. He would not see that happen again. He would not!
Cloud glowered at him. "Then don't let it," he snapped. "Just make sure you're stronger than Jenova."
"Of course I'll be fighting against her. But just swear to me that you'll . . ."
"I'm not going to!" Cloud rose from the desk. "If you want to die so much, then kill yourself." He crossed the room to the window, glaring out at the lights of the city and the dark green sky. Now he only had more to be confused about. Why did it bother him so much that Sephiroth wanted him to promise death, if Jenova's hold became a vise? He hated Sephiroth. It should be easy to make that oath.
He gripped his arms tightly.
"Either you honestly don't have any desire left to eliminate me, or else you're afraid of what you'd be feeling as you delivered the final strike. Instead of felling me to save others, maybe you're concerned that it would be out of hatred."
Cloud considered it. He could not seem to make sense of his tormented feelings, but maybe Sephiroth had hit on the answer. He was afraid of killing out of hate. He was afraid of becoming as Sephiroth had, when the other had lost his mind. And yet, this had not been a worry of his in the past. Why now? Was it because of everything that had happened since they had arrived on this world? Or was it because earlier that day, he had gotten a taste of what killing out of sheer abhorrence would feel like? It had scared him.
"Maybe I am."
Sephiroth sighed quietly from the couch. "Then I won't ask it of you."
Cloud whirled around to face him, the shock clearly written across his features. "Sephiroth . . ."
He found himself staring at a sobered, weary man, whose eyes displayed the fatigue of one three times his age. There was no trace of his old enemy here. Sephiroth fully knew that he had committed countless heinous crimes, and he regretted it deeply. He did not try to excuse himself by saying that he had not been of sound mind. To him, that did not matter---he was still guilty. He wanted Cloud to promise to kill him because he feared that history would repeat itself. But he would not force Cloud to make that oath, if Cloud was afraid that doing so would end up causing him to commit an atrocious act as well.
Slowly the older man started to get up. One way or another, he would not let Jenova win, he silently vowed, shuffling toward the bathroom. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him.
Cloud slumped back. This man was far more bewildering than any other Sephiroth he had known. But he still had the ability to make Cloud feel completely at a loss, and to wonder if he really knew himself at all.
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Yep, it will be at different times, so Vincent could have remembered by this point! ^^
I'm still trying to decide how Rude should remember, and when. XD;
I think I could probably do it! ^^ It would probably actually be better this way, and provide much more character development than it would otherwise.
I imagine most of the characters would be more stunned than anything, and I'm not sure if by that point, any of them would flat out think "Good riddance!" **ponders.** Probably most of them wouldn't know what to think, especially Cloud. And his feelings would be even more conflicted if he and Sephiroth had previously interacted as depicted in the blurb. ^^