Yaaaay, it finally works again~ Before getting to the blurb . . .
I wish I could be there for the graduation ceremony! **tear** I'd like to hear you sing. And it's interesting about the projects on display. We never do anything like that . . . of course, the graduation ceremony of Meridian never really is that big of a thing anyway. --.--;; But bleh. When you get done, I may go back and read the story as a whole. XD
I've always wanted to be on stage to sing or something, but our chorus sucks so bad, it wouldn't be worth it. XD; I was tempted to jazz choir . . . But too late now, oh well. I know what you mean though about limelight, somewhat. In jazz band, I did a lot of improve solos and I would be nervous right before I would stand up, then I just went with it and wasn't worried at all.
Okay, now the blurb.
First off: totally love the conversation between Baby Face and Mugsy. X3 Mostly because Baby Face's character intrigues me more and more in the way you're portraying him.
The first sentence bugs me a bit. While it does in a way set the place, it's one of the few times where a simple sentence connected by "is" or "was" at the very beginning strikes me as wrong. I would either take it out or move it somewhere else, though that may be a bit redundant. Though a better idea occurred to me. To prevent redundancy and keep the sentence in the same form, remove "car crash" and insert something like "highway" (I'm assuming highway due to the large number of cars and 18-wheeler). Then before going into detail about the crash, maybe add in something about police lights flash and/or sirens wailing to emphasize the first sentence. Other places in the paragraph, maybe describe the damage to some of the vehicles.
There were many injured and others who were dead, and the police were overwhelmed.
Common error (I do it a lot XD;), but tis bad grammar to begin a sentence with "There are" or any be-verb in succession to the word "there." Though if a character is talking and using it, then it's good colloquial speech effect. In trying to do something with this sentence and came up with two ideas:
1) Many were injured, others dead, which left the police completely overwhelmed.
2) The police were overwhelmed by the number of deaths, and even more so by the number of injuries.
Eh, something like that. **shrugs** Gives an idea as to what I mean anyway. After that, everything seems to go pretty smoothly. ^^ And that's the end of the English grammar lesson from Hell~
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:12 pm (UTC)I wish I could be there for the graduation ceremony! **tear** I'd like to hear you sing. And it's interesting about the projects on display. We never do anything like that . . . of course, the graduation ceremony of Meridian never really is that big of a thing anyway. --.--;; But bleh. When you get done, I may go back and read the story as a whole. XD
I've always wanted to be on stage to sing or something, but our chorus sucks so bad, it wouldn't be worth it. XD; I was tempted to jazz choir . . . But too late now, oh well. I know what you mean though about limelight, somewhat. In jazz band, I did a lot of improve solos and I would be nervous right before I would stand up, then I just went with it and wasn't worried at all.
Okay, now the blurb.
First off: totally love the conversation between Baby Face and Mugsy. X3 Mostly because Baby Face's character intrigues me more and more in the way you're portraying him.
The first sentence bugs me a bit. While it does in a way set the place, it's one of the few times where a simple sentence connected by "is" or "was" at the very beginning strikes me as wrong. I would either take it out or move it somewhere else, though that may be a bit redundant. Though a better idea occurred to me. To prevent redundancy and keep the sentence in the same form, remove "car crash" and insert something like "highway" (I'm assuming highway due to the large number of cars and 18-wheeler). Then before going into detail about the crash, maybe add in something about police lights flash and/or sirens wailing to emphasize the first sentence. Other places in the paragraph, maybe describe the damage to some of the vehicles.
There were many injured and others who were dead, and the police were overwhelmed.
Common error (I do it a lot XD;), but tis bad grammar to begin a sentence with "There are" or any be-verb in succession to the word "there." Though if a character is talking and using it, then it's good colloquial speech effect. In trying to do something with this sentence and came up with two ideas:
1) Many were injured, others dead, which left the police completely overwhelmed.
2) The police were overwhelmed by the number of deaths, and even more so by the number of injuries.
Eh, something like that. **shrugs** Gives an idea as to what I mean anyway. After that, everything seems to go pretty smoothly. ^^ And that's the end of the English grammar lesson from Hell~