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ladybug_archiveI come to you with three and a half hours of sleep! Insomnia is getting so old. -.-
I hope Aubrie will be able to get on again soon.... The big storm knocked out something there, power or cable, probably. She vanished Thursday night due to it. And while I know she's probably fine, I am still a bit jumpy anyway, moreso since my cousin and his wife burned to death in their home earlier this week. o.o
I was really shocked when Mom came and told me. It really upset me too, even though I've only met him once or so. I felt like he was a friend, almost, because of how Mom always told fun stories about when she and he would have adventures when they were younger (such as getting stuck in the middle of nowhere with a stalled car and having to walk back to civilization and thinking that someone was following them). And it makes me more paranoid wondering if I'll die soon, even though I know that isn't a realistic additude. -.-;
Stuff like that makes me cling to my hurt/comfort all the more, instead of pushing it away, as some might think. XD; I find my hurt/comfort to really be a comfort, since in that world, there is cuteness and often, not real death!
And over the last few days I've gotten really restless about Snow White Queen. I finally said "Screw it!" and wrote the prologue, because I had the feeling that No Way Out will not get written as long as I'm really longing to write the other fic. No Way Out won't *have* to be read first. Snow White Queen will be a standalone fic, though of course it will follow the continuity I started with Ghosts. I rarely post links to my fanfics at LJ, but because I love this so much and I really want opinions: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3269484/1/ Please, if you'd be willing to look and review at the site, I'd be very grateful!
Also, I was bored and randomly started writing a study of Gin as he appears in my fics. Which now randomly has a few edits/additions of things I forgot I wanted to add. And I would like to note that Gin's weariness as displayed in my fics is based on my interpretation of canon, specifically a page in volume #42. I am aware that there are many ways to look at it, but I have chosen one such way and stuck with it, since that's how I interpreted it when I first saw it and since it fits with my timeline. XD
Gin is portrayed as the protoganist and an anti-hero, despite his profession. He is depicted as a tragic figure mixed up in a situation that he originally did not have any desire to be involved with, and has been trained in sharpshooting since he was a child. Though for years he kept that information from Sherry, as he wanted her to have a decent childhood for as long as she could. Eventually, after completing his training in Japan, he came to not just tolerate, but to enjoy his job. Mostly he likes it for the thrill of the hunt and being able to get rid of traitors, which he despises.
In later years, however, he has become increasingly weary of it all and perhaps would like to get out, but after all that he has seen and participated in, he has come to pessimistically believe that death is the only way out. And he will never kill himself. Not to mention that he does not want to become a traitor himself. Hence, he stays.
His nicotine addiction came about when he started smoking as a way to cope with his guilt over the first murders he committed for the Organization. He has idly considered several times to quit, but then doesn't, for various reasons. Largely he likes the cigarettes by now, though he may still feel a certain degree of guilt at times when innocent bystanders have to die, and hence, smokes more at such times.
He does not regret killing his first person, when he was sixteen. That person was one of the household servants, who had been dragging an eight-year-old Sherry with him and planning to molest her. Gin came upon the scene then and ended up in a struggle with the servant, and was eventually forced to kill him in order to protect Sherry and himself. In later years Gin discovered she had blocked out her experience, and he does not intend to ever remind her.
He has always been cynical and aloof, ever since he was a child, though according to his childhood friend Akemi, he had several philosophies that he told her about. One of these was "Never sacrifice yourself for someone else. They will hurt and suffer more over it than you will." It it unknown why he adhered to this idea, which he largely forgot about later on---though he has nearly broken the rule at least twice, by desperately trying to preserve Vodka's life at the possible expense of his own. His other old philosophy serves to explain this, as it states, "Never let go of what's most important to you."
He is stubborn, prideful, and selfish, and cannot bear to let go of the two people who mean the most to him, to the point where he can be possessive. This is evidenced both by his insistence on keeping Vodka alive, and his desperate stalking of Sherry under the excuse of killing her for being a traitor. In his heart, he knows that he is chasing her mainly for the chance to see her again. The pursuit keeps dragging on because he cannot bear to actually end her life, though he tells himself that he wants to prolong her torment and fear---and this is likely true to an extent, due to his betrayed feelings. But when given the chance, he does not kill her.
Though he rationalized to himself that he had to kill Akemi in order to set her free from the Organization, he has found that he cannot bring himself to do the same to Vodka or Sherry, and he is not certain how he would react if the time comes that he will need to do so. For all of his harsh denial, he does not want to be alone. He fears it, and though he does not regret what he did to Akemi under the circumstances, perhaps some part of him misses her and wishes it could have been different.
Gin still is not certain why he saved Ayumi that night in the park. As he thought later, he could have killed her and still kept her from Ushio's grasp. Death would not be a fate as abominable as being with a pedophile such as he. Gin has always hated him, even moreso because of what nearly happened to Sherry as a child. He knows that his initial reason for defying Ushio was largely because Gin had not wanted the other to have his way, but future encounters with Ayumi have not involved Ushio, such as when the child was poisoned. Though Gin refuses to see it, he cares about Ayumi and desires to make sure that her life is happy. He does admit, however, that he sees some of both Sherry and Akemi in her determination, kindness, and love, and that perhaps Ayumi's connection to the "ghosts" of the past may be part of the reason why he spared her life.
Gin believes that he is a monster, an unreedemable god of death, and he cannot comprehend Ayumi's unconditional love for him. He feels that she should find someone more worthy of her admiration, though she continues to sweetly insist that Gin does still have good within his heart and that she loves him even though she knows he has done terrible things. Her innocence has managed to soften his cold and tattered heart, which everyone around him can clearly see.
Who knows. Perhaps there is hope for him yet.
I hope Aubrie will be able to get on again soon.... The big storm knocked out something there, power or cable, probably. She vanished Thursday night due to it. And while I know she's probably fine, I am still a bit jumpy anyway, moreso since my cousin and his wife burned to death in their home earlier this week. o.o
I was really shocked when Mom came and told me. It really upset me too, even though I've only met him once or so. I felt like he was a friend, almost, because of how Mom always told fun stories about when she and he would have adventures when they were younger (such as getting stuck in the middle of nowhere with a stalled car and having to walk back to civilization and thinking that someone was following them). And it makes me more paranoid wondering if I'll die soon, even though I know that isn't a realistic additude. -.-;
Stuff like that makes me cling to my hurt/comfort all the more, instead of pushing it away, as some might think. XD; I find my hurt/comfort to really be a comfort, since in that world, there is cuteness and often, not real death!
And over the last few days I've gotten really restless about Snow White Queen. I finally said "Screw it!" and wrote the prologue, because I had the feeling that No Way Out will not get written as long as I'm really longing to write the other fic. No Way Out won't *have* to be read first. Snow White Queen will be a standalone fic, though of course it will follow the continuity I started with Ghosts. I rarely post links to my fanfics at LJ, but because I love this so much and I really want opinions: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3269484/1/ Please, if you'd be willing to look and review at the site, I'd be very grateful!
Also, I was bored and randomly started writing a study of Gin as he appears in my fics. Which now randomly has a few edits/additions of things I forgot I wanted to add. And I would like to note that Gin's weariness as displayed in my fics is based on my interpretation of canon, specifically a page in volume #42. I am aware that there are many ways to look at it, but I have chosen one such way and stuck with it, since that's how I interpreted it when I first saw it and since it fits with my timeline. XD
Gin is portrayed as the protoganist and an anti-hero, despite his profession. He is depicted as a tragic figure mixed up in a situation that he originally did not have any desire to be involved with, and has been trained in sharpshooting since he was a child. Though for years he kept that information from Sherry, as he wanted her to have a decent childhood for as long as she could. Eventually, after completing his training in Japan, he came to not just tolerate, but to enjoy his job. Mostly he likes it for the thrill of the hunt and being able to get rid of traitors, which he despises.
In later years, however, he has become increasingly weary of it all and perhaps would like to get out, but after all that he has seen and participated in, he has come to pessimistically believe that death is the only way out. And he will never kill himself. Not to mention that he does not want to become a traitor himself. Hence, he stays.
His nicotine addiction came about when he started smoking as a way to cope with his guilt over the first murders he committed for the Organization. He has idly considered several times to quit, but then doesn't, for various reasons. Largely he likes the cigarettes by now, though he may still feel a certain degree of guilt at times when innocent bystanders have to die, and hence, smokes more at such times.
He does not regret killing his first person, when he was sixteen. That person was one of the household servants, who had been dragging an eight-year-old Sherry with him and planning to molest her. Gin came upon the scene then and ended up in a struggle with the servant, and was eventually forced to kill him in order to protect Sherry and himself. In later years Gin discovered she had blocked out her experience, and he does not intend to ever remind her.
He has always been cynical and aloof, ever since he was a child, though according to his childhood friend Akemi, he had several philosophies that he told her about. One of these was "Never sacrifice yourself for someone else. They will hurt and suffer more over it than you will." It it unknown why he adhered to this idea, which he largely forgot about later on---though he has nearly broken the rule at least twice, by desperately trying to preserve Vodka's life at the possible expense of his own. His other old philosophy serves to explain this, as it states, "Never let go of what's most important to you."
He is stubborn, prideful, and selfish, and cannot bear to let go of the two people who mean the most to him, to the point where he can be possessive. This is evidenced both by his insistence on keeping Vodka alive, and his desperate stalking of Sherry under the excuse of killing her for being a traitor. In his heart, he knows that he is chasing her mainly for the chance to see her again. The pursuit keeps dragging on because he cannot bear to actually end her life, though he tells himself that he wants to prolong her torment and fear---and this is likely true to an extent, due to his betrayed feelings. But when given the chance, he does not kill her.
Though he rationalized to himself that he had to kill Akemi in order to set her free from the Organization, he has found that he cannot bring himself to do the same to Vodka or Sherry, and he is not certain how he would react if the time comes that he will need to do so. For all of his harsh denial, he does not want to be alone. He fears it, and though he does not regret what he did to Akemi under the circumstances, perhaps some part of him misses her and wishes it could have been different.
Gin still is not certain why he saved Ayumi that night in the park. As he thought later, he could have killed her and still kept her from Ushio's grasp. Death would not be a fate as abominable as being with a pedophile such as he. Gin has always hated him, even moreso because of what nearly happened to Sherry as a child. He knows that his initial reason for defying Ushio was largely because Gin had not wanted the other to have his way, but future encounters with Ayumi have not involved Ushio, such as when the child was poisoned. Though Gin refuses to see it, he cares about Ayumi and desires to make sure that her life is happy. He does admit, however, that he sees some of both Sherry and Akemi in her determination, kindness, and love, and that perhaps Ayumi's connection to the "ghosts" of the past may be part of the reason why he spared her life.
Gin believes that he is a monster, an unreedemable god of death, and he cannot comprehend Ayumi's unconditional love for him. He feels that she should find someone more worthy of her admiration, though she continues to sweetly insist that Gin does still have good within his heart and that she loves him even though she knows he has done terrible things. Her innocence has managed to soften his cold and tattered heart, which everyone around him can clearly see.
Who knows. Perhaps there is hope for him yet.
