The Saga of the Monitor, and a Blurb
May. 2nd, 2006 05:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladybug_archiveMy monitor came back on again Saturday evening, but Dad found a nice cheap one at a DI for $10. X3 (The DI is like the Salvation Army or Good Will.) And I needed it! The next night, my monitor acted like it was going to blow up. XD; It was making those weird smells like electronics do when they're overheating. So I quickly switched monitors.
And the following blurb is something that came to me earlier, but for the life of me I don't know whether I was dreaming it or whether I was just thinking it in that state that's half between sleep and awareness. XD; And yes, "Dr. Bentley" refers to the Diagnosis Murder character. **smiles.** Comments are appreciated!
The car crash was a catastrophe. Six vehicles had ended up involved, including an eighteen-wheeler and a moving van, in addition to four variously assorted cars. There were many injured and others who were dead, and the police were overwhelmed. No one seemed to know what had happened that had started the melee, much to the medical examiner's annoyance when she arrived.
As she tried to sort through the lifeless bodies, she came across one laying on a gurney just outside a dark Chevrolet. She knelt down, narrowing her eyes as she pulled back the sheet, and muttered softly to herself as she looked the form over. The injuries sustained had resulted in an unrecognizable corpse, and even though she had dealt with many dead bodies over the years, this one still managed to disturb her.
"What do you make of it, Doctor Bentley?" one of the officers asked, coming over to her.
She looked up briefly, then back down at the form. "He was a white male, approximately twenty-seven years old," she reported. "Five-four . . . approximately one hundred and thirty-five pounds . . . brown hair . . ." She paused, reaching to gingerly open an eyelid with a gloved hand. "Brown eyes. . . ." She shook her head. "I won't know for certain until I do an autopsy, but it seems to me that it's obvious what killed him. Were you able to I.D. the corpse?"
"He had some identification in his wallet," the policeman answered. "According to that, his name was Antonio Ferano."
Watching from the nearby bushes, Baby Face Morales gave a low curse. "That's not Tony," he grumbled.
Mugsy looked at him in confusion. "But, Baby Face, how do you know?" he asked. He would be gratified if it was not Tony, who was his friend, but he did not see how it could not be him. The evidence was stacked against it.
"Where would he get that car from?" Baby Face retorted, then shook his head. "No, it's not just the car. Something just seems . . . off." He growled, turning away from the accident site. "This whole thing seems off, like it was a deliberate setup or something. Maybe someone was trying to kill Tony and this is how they tried to do it."
"But you said that it's not him, even though the guy has Tony's I.D.!" Mugsy exclaimed, staring at his leader in confusion.
"It's not!" Baby Face hissed, not wanting to be overheard by the police officers. "Tony's somewhere else. He got away." He began to walk deeper into the brush. "He wouldn't get taken down like this. Somebody wants us to think Tony's dead. Maybe Tony wants it thought. We won't know until we find him."
Mugsy quickly chased after him. "Why would Tony want us to think he's dead?!" he said in disbelief.
Baby Face cursed again. "I didn't say that Tony wanted us to think he's dead, but for all we know, he does. Maybe for someone else to think he's dead, it's more effective if we believe it too." He narrowed his eyes. "Or, if someone else wants us to think he's dead, maybe it's 'cause they're doing something to him that's worse than death."
Mugsy looked sickened. "But who?"
"If I knew that, Vince, would we be standing around here watching that mess out there?!" Baby Face snapped, inserting a few choice and colorful words into his comment.
I've also started work on the Beta theme set, but it will probably be on the back burner while I work at Prisms of No Color. There's three chapters left, as I've just finished 4 (and I revised that scene from the end of it that I posted earlier). I also decided that my A Meeting of Fate one-shot should be the prologue, instead of something separate. Prisms has developed from merely a story about Tony's downfall to a story detailing the relationship between him and Baby Face and some of the misadventures they each had during the time period when Tony is getting involved with the criminal underworld. Baby Face, for instance, is shown meeting Ruby for the first time, and their early times together are talked about and shown some, whereas originally the story was supposed to only follow Tony. I think the way the story is now going is much more effective.
My goal is to finish it all this month. I'm going to have an official high school graduation ceremony along with other home schooled people in Utah on June 1st, and I want to have it done by then because they want the students to have some of their projects on display and such. This is my latest deep and serious long story, so I think it would only be fitting to have it there. I'm also going to get to sing. X3 I haven't picked the song yet, but I've been trying several possibilities to see what suits my voice best. I figure a dark song wouldn't be appropriate, so I've been concentrating on more happy ones. **laughs.**
It's funny how I hate the spotlight out in public unless I can be on a stage and perform. XD I just can't get enough of the limelight if I get to sing.
And the following blurb is something that came to me earlier, but for the life of me I don't know whether I was dreaming it or whether I was just thinking it in that state that's half between sleep and awareness. XD; And yes, "Dr. Bentley" refers to the Diagnosis Murder character. **smiles.** Comments are appreciated!
The car crash was a catastrophe. Six vehicles had ended up involved, including an eighteen-wheeler and a moving van, in addition to four variously assorted cars. There were many injured and others who were dead, and the police were overwhelmed. No one seemed to know what had happened that had started the melee, much to the medical examiner's annoyance when she arrived.
As she tried to sort through the lifeless bodies, she came across one laying on a gurney just outside a dark Chevrolet. She knelt down, narrowing her eyes as she pulled back the sheet, and muttered softly to herself as she looked the form over. The injuries sustained had resulted in an unrecognizable corpse, and even though she had dealt with many dead bodies over the years, this one still managed to disturb her.
"What do you make of it, Doctor Bentley?" one of the officers asked, coming over to her.
She looked up briefly, then back down at the form. "He was a white male, approximately twenty-seven years old," she reported. "Five-four . . . approximately one hundred and thirty-five pounds . . . brown hair . . ." She paused, reaching to gingerly open an eyelid with a gloved hand. "Brown eyes. . . ." She shook her head. "I won't know for certain until I do an autopsy, but it seems to me that it's obvious what killed him. Were you able to I.D. the corpse?"
"He had some identification in his wallet," the policeman answered. "According to that, his name was Antonio Ferano."
Watching from the nearby bushes, Baby Face Morales gave a low curse. "That's not Tony," he grumbled.
Mugsy looked at him in confusion. "But, Baby Face, how do you know?" he asked. He would be gratified if it was not Tony, who was his friend, but he did not see how it could not be him. The evidence was stacked against it.
"Where would he get that car from?" Baby Face retorted, then shook his head. "No, it's not just the car. Something just seems . . . off." He growled, turning away from the accident site. "This whole thing seems off, like it was a deliberate setup or something. Maybe someone was trying to kill Tony and this is how they tried to do it."
"But you said that it's not him, even though the guy has Tony's I.D.!" Mugsy exclaimed, staring at his leader in confusion.
"It's not!" Baby Face hissed, not wanting to be overheard by the police officers. "Tony's somewhere else. He got away." He began to walk deeper into the brush. "He wouldn't get taken down like this. Somebody wants us to think Tony's dead. Maybe Tony wants it thought. We won't know until we find him."
Mugsy quickly chased after him. "Why would Tony want us to think he's dead?!" he said in disbelief.
Baby Face cursed again. "I didn't say that Tony wanted us to think he's dead, but for all we know, he does. Maybe for someone else to think he's dead, it's more effective if we believe it too." He narrowed his eyes. "Or, if someone else wants us to think he's dead, maybe it's 'cause they're doing something to him that's worse than death."
Mugsy looked sickened. "But who?"
"If I knew that, Vince, would we be standing around here watching that mess out there?!" Baby Face snapped, inserting a few choice and colorful words into his comment.
I've also started work on the Beta theme set, but it will probably be on the back burner while I work at Prisms of No Color. There's three chapters left, as I've just finished 4 (and I revised that scene from the end of it that I posted earlier). I also decided that my A Meeting of Fate one-shot should be the prologue, instead of something separate. Prisms has developed from merely a story about Tony's downfall to a story detailing the relationship between him and Baby Face and some of the misadventures they each had during the time period when Tony is getting involved with the criminal underworld. Baby Face, for instance, is shown meeting Ruby for the first time, and their early times together are talked about and shown some, whereas originally the story was supposed to only follow Tony. I think the way the story is now going is much more effective.
My goal is to finish it all this month. I'm going to have an official high school graduation ceremony along with other home schooled people in Utah on June 1st, and I want to have it done by then because they want the students to have some of their projects on display and such. This is my latest deep and serious long story, so I think it would only be fitting to have it there. I'm also going to get to sing. X3 I haven't picked the song yet, but I've been trying several possibilities to see what suits my voice best. I figure a dark song wouldn't be appropriate, so I've been concentrating on more happy ones. **laughs.**
It's funny how I hate the spotlight out in public unless I can be on a stage and perform. XD I just can't get enough of the limelight if I get to sing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 10:28 pm (UTC)Just a guess! 8DI should really encourage my dad to get a new monitor. It seems to randomlybozz and flicker at random moments. I get scared it my explode! XDno subject
Date: 2006-05-03 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:12 pm (UTC)I wish I could be there for the graduation ceremony! **tear** I'd like to hear you sing. And it's interesting about the projects on display. We never do anything like that . . . of course, the graduation ceremony of Meridian never really is that big of a thing anyway. --.--;; But bleh. When you get done, I may go back and read the story as a whole. XD
I've always wanted to be on stage to sing or something, but our chorus sucks so bad, it wouldn't be worth it. XD; I was tempted to jazz choir . . . But too late now, oh well. I know what you mean though about limelight, somewhat. In jazz band, I did a lot of improve solos and I would be nervous right before I would stand up, then I just went with it and wasn't worried at all.
Okay, now the blurb.
First off: totally love the conversation between Baby Face and Mugsy. X3 Mostly because Baby Face's character intrigues me more and more in the way you're portraying him.
The first sentence bugs me a bit. While it does in a way set the place, it's one of the few times where a simple sentence connected by "is" or "was" at the very beginning strikes me as wrong. I would either take it out or move it somewhere else, though that may be a bit redundant. Though a better idea occurred to me. To prevent redundancy and keep the sentence in the same form, remove "car crash" and insert something like "highway" (I'm assuming highway due to the large number of cars and 18-wheeler). Then before going into detail about the crash, maybe add in something about police lights flash and/or sirens wailing to emphasize the first sentence. Other places in the paragraph, maybe describe the damage to some of the vehicles.
There were many injured and others who were dead, and the police were overwhelmed.
Common error (I do it a lot XD;), but tis bad grammar to begin a sentence with "There are" or any be-verb in succession to the word "there." Though if a character is talking and using it, then it's good colloquial speech effect. In trying to do something with this sentence and came up with two ideas:
1) Many were injured, others dead, which left the police completely overwhelmed.
2) The police were overwhelmed by the number of deaths, and even more so by the number of injuries.
Eh, something like that. **shrugs** Gives an idea as to what I mean anyway. After that, everything seems to go pretty smoothly. ^^ And that's the end of the English grammar lesson from Hell~
no subject
Date: 2006-05-04 01:40 am (UTC)I hope you like the story when it's all finished. ^^ **pets it.** I should start chapter 5 today. Doing those chapter outlines really helped.
Thanks for the grammatic tips. XD I'll play around with it and see what I can come up with.