**headdesk.**
Aug. 30th, 2015 04:55 amMouse count is 10 or 11, with one spotted again in a bedroom. I think it's the same smart-aleck we were fighting with last week and lost when Dad tried to carry it out in a drawer. We wanted to believe so bad that it got out in the garage, but it's more likely it never left his room at all. Oh, we just want this horror to end! **flops over.** Why, why, why....
And last night, a bunch of teenage idiots were using our yard for a trail-way and stood by our back fence smoking something; Dad's not sure if it was regular cigarettes or marijuana. We've found cigarettes and even an empty box in our yard recently; these crumbs are probably responsible. I guess this is going to be our September horror, combined with the cleaning up from mice horror. If they're ever spotted out there again, I say we call the police. Dad was going to last night, but then they started to come towards Dad (not knowing he was watching them) and he yelled at them and they fled. It just never stops, does it?
To be honest, everything has been pretty bad for me in general since May or whenever a personal problem started happening. I always start thinking about it more when I'm going to cramp, and big surprise, I'm going to cramp very soon now. I'm so frustrated and upset by it and I can't get over it, especially after learning that apparently every one of my attempts to clear up the problem only gave the other party the opposite impression of what I meant and made everything worse. I'll admit that I said some things I shouldn't have in the fourth and fifth messages; by that point I was very desperate and hurt and felt very ignored and not cared about. I just don't get what I said that was so awful in the first three messages I sent, since those were my attempts to answer the original issues brought before me. I was stunned and distressed that the issues were even issues and I tried to answer everything. I thought I was showing that I honestly cared about straightening the mess out when I went looking through all my stuff to find the specific things the person was upset by and then wrote to tell what I'd found and why I'd written the things that were upsetting to them. Then when I kept not hearing anything after those messages were sent, not even a "Got your reply; I'll answer when I can", I became so desperate and distressed that I sent one of the messages I shouldn't have. However, in between the things I shouldn't have said, I was also honestly trying to think of anything else related that I might have said that the person had been upset about and trying to explain what I'd really meant by those things, hoping that would make the person feel better. I have a terrible knack for making everything worse when I only want to make it better, and I demonstrated it completely there.
The way the situation stands right now, I'm not supposed to talk to that person any more because they were so stressed by my messages and apparently misinterpreted my intentions from the first reply, or at least, that's the way they came across when they finally said something in response to my replies. I sent one more message after I received that one, trying to explain that my intentions with my replies had not been what was thought, but I don't know if it was even read or that it would even matter if it was. Part of me wishes some mutual friend could try to serve as mediator and smooth things out enough that we could get to where we could have the conversation that I wanted us to have ever since I learned that this person had a problem. Contrary to what they think I think, in reality I want very badly to know why they feel the way they do! The only way to try to fix anything is by knowing both sides of the story. I tried to tell my side and that was interpreted as me not being willing to listen to theirs. The other part of me doesn't want to put the burden of a mediator on anyone and figures that the person would be upset if I even tried that. I suppose all I can do is keep waiting to see if they calm down and feel different. Even if we mutually decided that it would be better to officially break things off afterwards, I wish we could part with this mess straightened out. I'm tired of it hanging over my head and knowing that I gave this person the completely wrong impression and knowing that I caused hurt. I feel bad that I was completely misunderstood in my motivations in sending all of the replies. I honestly wanted to make the person feel better and it just didn't work. And I am very discouraged if we're parting ways over something that should be able to be talked out.
One thing is for sure; I've learned an important lesson. Just because two people had a close friendship at one time before drifting apart doesn't mean that the friend will understand what you mean even if you honestly think they know you well enough that they would. And no, I'm not saying I actually thought friends don't argue; I argued with that person several times in the past. (And the idea that friends become closer after arguing is bull, plain and simple. I've never had it prove true with me.) Back then, it was usually because I really had done something that hurt the other person. I don't recall ever arguing over the things that I felt hurt about; I think the only times I said anything at all were when I was distressed that something I'd said for an RP character was misinterpreted and made them look bad, and then another time when the person thought I was going to do something with a character that I wasn't, because apparently I found it worse for my friend to think poorly of the characters than I did for them to think poorly of me. I usually kept quiet whenever they misunderstood me or inadvertently hurt me, not wanting to cause trouble. But I just assumed that from reading my journal through many years, and from times when they did peg certain things about me right, they would come to understand me a lot better and I ended up stunned when that didn't seem to be the case in this situation. Heh. What a naive child. Some people just come from worlds so different that they never can really understand each other. I hope I'll never forget that now.
Bottom line: hopefully I will never be surprised by something a friend tells me again, after being so surprised and stunned by the issues that this person brought up that remain unresolved. Perhaps if I hadn't sent the fourth and fifth messages, we would have talked by now. On the other hand, I wouldn't have sent them if there had been some acknowledgment of the original three messages I sent trying to help the person understand the truth about the issues. Saying nothing at all to me in response to any of those was what compounded the problem and hurt so much more than bringing up the original issues did. I would have understood if I was told at that point that there was busyness or other problems going on; I already knew there was a lot happening. But when the issue was brought up, I thought they would want to answer when I tried to explain it. It hurt me very deeply when there was nothing and it dragged on like that for days. I even worried that something awful had happened because I didn't think they would ignore me, but when I peeked on Facebook and they were posting as usual, I thought everything was fine and I was indeed being ignored. It was only after being so hurt that I sent the fourth message and then messaging the person elsewhere to ask if they'd got anything that I was told anything at all about what was happening and was informed that there had been an injury in addition to everything else going on (although nothing as serious as what I had worried might be the case). Then I waited patiently for weeks. I shouldn't have sent the fifth message after all that waiting; I should have simply sent a "What's up/hope all's well" message or something, but it was hard to think of just sending something like that when I was still so hurt, and I guess I felt that after all that time, I would have heard something, even a brief note, if it meant anything to them at all, since they were still around online and doing stuff. I did inquire after their well-being, but then I tried saying some other things regarding explaining myself/things I'd said that I hoped might help the issue. I shouldn't have. Everything backfired.
I know very well that I handled things badly, but it takes two people to screw up a friendship, a romance, or anything else like that. We both made mistakes and I wish we could just talk this mess out and try again. Or talk it out and say goodbye on friendly terms.
I guess I'm typing all this out partially because I hope it will reach the person and maybe explain everything better, but I really know that isn't likely to happen, especially after everything else I tried to say was misunderstood. I'm just frustrated and upset and on the verge of cramping and spouting off stupidly and wishing that I could repair the disasters I've made.
So I've had that hanging over my head for months, and summer really hasn't been great for other reasons, either. June was filled with stress over that. Starting with July, things started being bad for the whole family and not just me. July was filled with the reply at last and being told in it not to send anything more. July was also filled with a variety of minor downers, which only felt bigger because of the major downer. Things got a little better for a bit, but then Mom got really ill and that carried into August. Just as she was starting to feel a little better, the mice started showing themselves. Now we have to clean up from them, catch the one(s) still here, and deal with these unctuous crumbs invading our yard to trespass and smoke.
Part of me wishes we could go back to April and start over again from there. The other part just wants summer gone already and hopes that autumn will be filled with awesome, which seems unlikely at this point.
And last night, a bunch of teenage idiots were using our yard for a trail-way and stood by our back fence smoking something; Dad's not sure if it was regular cigarettes or marijuana. We've found cigarettes and even an empty box in our yard recently; these crumbs are probably responsible. I guess this is going to be our September horror, combined with the cleaning up from mice horror. If they're ever spotted out there again, I say we call the police. Dad was going to last night, but then they started to come towards Dad (not knowing he was watching them) and he yelled at them and they fled. It just never stops, does it?
To be honest, everything has been pretty bad for me in general since May or whenever a personal problem started happening. I always start thinking about it more when I'm going to cramp, and big surprise, I'm going to cramp very soon now. I'm so frustrated and upset by it and I can't get over it, especially after learning that apparently every one of my attempts to clear up the problem only gave the other party the opposite impression of what I meant and made everything worse. I'll admit that I said some things I shouldn't have in the fourth and fifth messages; by that point I was very desperate and hurt and felt very ignored and not cared about. I just don't get what I said that was so awful in the first three messages I sent, since those were my attempts to answer the original issues brought before me. I was stunned and distressed that the issues were even issues and I tried to answer everything. I thought I was showing that I honestly cared about straightening the mess out when I went looking through all my stuff to find the specific things the person was upset by and then wrote to tell what I'd found and why I'd written the things that were upsetting to them. Then when I kept not hearing anything after those messages were sent, not even a "Got your reply; I'll answer when I can", I became so desperate and distressed that I sent one of the messages I shouldn't have. However, in between the things I shouldn't have said, I was also honestly trying to think of anything else related that I might have said that the person had been upset about and trying to explain what I'd really meant by those things, hoping that would make the person feel better. I have a terrible knack for making everything worse when I only want to make it better, and I demonstrated it completely there.
The way the situation stands right now, I'm not supposed to talk to that person any more because they were so stressed by my messages and apparently misinterpreted my intentions from the first reply, or at least, that's the way they came across when they finally said something in response to my replies. I sent one more message after I received that one, trying to explain that my intentions with my replies had not been what was thought, but I don't know if it was even read or that it would even matter if it was. Part of me wishes some mutual friend could try to serve as mediator and smooth things out enough that we could get to where we could have the conversation that I wanted us to have ever since I learned that this person had a problem. Contrary to what they think I think, in reality I want very badly to know why they feel the way they do! The only way to try to fix anything is by knowing both sides of the story. I tried to tell my side and that was interpreted as me not being willing to listen to theirs. The other part of me doesn't want to put the burden of a mediator on anyone and figures that the person would be upset if I even tried that. I suppose all I can do is keep waiting to see if they calm down and feel different. Even if we mutually decided that it would be better to officially break things off afterwards, I wish we could part with this mess straightened out. I'm tired of it hanging over my head and knowing that I gave this person the completely wrong impression and knowing that I caused hurt. I feel bad that I was completely misunderstood in my motivations in sending all of the replies. I honestly wanted to make the person feel better and it just didn't work. And I am very discouraged if we're parting ways over something that should be able to be talked out.
One thing is for sure; I've learned an important lesson. Just because two people had a close friendship at one time before drifting apart doesn't mean that the friend will understand what you mean even if you honestly think they know you well enough that they would. And no, I'm not saying I actually thought friends don't argue; I argued with that person several times in the past. (And the idea that friends become closer after arguing is bull, plain and simple. I've never had it prove true with me.) Back then, it was usually because I really had done something that hurt the other person. I don't recall ever arguing over the things that I felt hurt about; I think the only times I said anything at all were when I was distressed that something I'd said for an RP character was misinterpreted and made them look bad, and then another time when the person thought I was going to do something with a character that I wasn't, because apparently I found it worse for my friend to think poorly of the characters than I did for them to think poorly of me. I usually kept quiet whenever they misunderstood me or inadvertently hurt me, not wanting to cause trouble. But I just assumed that from reading my journal through many years, and from times when they did peg certain things about me right, they would come to understand me a lot better and I ended up stunned when that didn't seem to be the case in this situation. Heh. What a naive child. Some people just come from worlds so different that they never can really understand each other. I hope I'll never forget that now.
Bottom line: hopefully I will never be surprised by something a friend tells me again, after being so surprised and stunned by the issues that this person brought up that remain unresolved. Perhaps if I hadn't sent the fourth and fifth messages, we would have talked by now. On the other hand, I wouldn't have sent them if there had been some acknowledgment of the original three messages I sent trying to help the person understand the truth about the issues. Saying nothing at all to me in response to any of those was what compounded the problem and hurt so much more than bringing up the original issues did. I would have understood if I was told at that point that there was busyness or other problems going on; I already knew there was a lot happening. But when the issue was brought up, I thought they would want to answer when I tried to explain it. It hurt me very deeply when there was nothing and it dragged on like that for days. I even worried that something awful had happened because I didn't think they would ignore me, but when I peeked on Facebook and they were posting as usual, I thought everything was fine and I was indeed being ignored. It was only after being so hurt that I sent the fourth message and then messaging the person elsewhere to ask if they'd got anything that I was told anything at all about what was happening and was informed that there had been an injury in addition to everything else going on (although nothing as serious as what I had worried might be the case). Then I waited patiently for weeks. I shouldn't have sent the fifth message after all that waiting; I should have simply sent a "What's up/hope all's well" message or something, but it was hard to think of just sending something like that when I was still so hurt, and I guess I felt that after all that time, I would have heard something, even a brief note, if it meant anything to them at all, since they were still around online and doing stuff. I did inquire after their well-being, but then I tried saying some other things regarding explaining myself/things I'd said that I hoped might help the issue. I shouldn't have. Everything backfired.
I know very well that I handled things badly, but it takes two people to screw up a friendship, a romance, or anything else like that. We both made mistakes and I wish we could just talk this mess out and try again. Or talk it out and say goodbye on friendly terms.
I guess I'm typing all this out partially because I hope it will reach the person and maybe explain everything better, but I really know that isn't likely to happen, especially after everything else I tried to say was misunderstood. I'm just frustrated and upset and on the verge of cramping and spouting off stupidly and wishing that I could repair the disasters I've made.
So I've had that hanging over my head for months, and summer really hasn't been great for other reasons, either. June was filled with stress over that. Starting with July, things started being bad for the whole family and not just me. July was filled with the reply at last and being told in it not to send anything more. July was also filled with a variety of minor downers, which only felt bigger because of the major downer. Things got a little better for a bit, but then Mom got really ill and that carried into August. Just as she was starting to feel a little better, the mice started showing themselves. Now we have to clean up from them, catch the one(s) still here, and deal with these unctuous crumbs invading our yard to trespass and smoke.
Part of me wishes we could go back to April and start over again from there. The other part just wants summer gone already and hopes that autumn will be filled with awesome, which seems unlikely at this point.